NOT MY PROBLEM

If your tired and cranky don't take it out on me.. NOT MY PROBLEM.. if someone else is not appreciating you do not attack me.. NOT MY PROBLEM... if you have made a decision on what someone else has said.. and they changed their mind.. NOT MY PROBLEM.... i can live my life make my decisions, have my own opinion listen to who i want.. if you have a problem with this IT'S NOT MY PROBLEM....

I'm tired

I'm tired, i am tired of being tired. I feel like i am at the centre of everyones lives, but somehow circling around them in abiss, i take all of there worries, and i care. i do not have a person i can worry to, and it seems at times i do not have a person to worry about me. I know i am cared about, but sometimes i would love to have the space to cry and not feel guilty about it, to worry or feel overwhelmed. I feel like i have to be contained for everone else.. i am peoples voodoo doll, they prick me and hurt me when they need to feel better. It may be a slight dig at my personality, or a past indisgression, or yelling at me when they just feel like yelling.. i am tired of being a bandaid. I deserve the happy days to be happy about me. i like the person i am, who i have become, i don't regret the mistakes i have made.. i hate being told i have no friends, i do i am selective of my friends i expect allot from them, the friends i have i will have for life, and i can't meet new people i am a stay at home mum of two children now.. i have no time. i barley have time to wash my hair or do dishes.. i make sacrafices for my family. i am so tired of being undervalued and unappreciated. there is no forseeable way for me to fix this or solve these issues.. so i will continue everyday to get up put a smile on my face and carry on.. and hope someone one day will see how truley amazing i am..

worth while

I may be a hard person to love, however I do deserve it to. I am the most the most amazing person in the world to have love you, if you can’t appreciate my love, then you can’t love me, and therefore do not deserve me to love you..

The Brain

I am tired of being the brains behind the operation, i think for the people around me. But i am a brain they think can be turned of or tuned out, maybe i am, but my brain my mind, the machine that operates my thoughts does not stop working, it is at present in hyperdrive, because it thinks for others but can not relive itself by performing the actions that may be needed to solve the operation my brain is demanding, so it adds to the backlog, this backlog that keep circling in thought processes, occasionallt popping up as a reminder, but you can only remind the person that needs to complete the action, and if again they block it out or refuse to take action, the cycle continues, adding the stress and slowly sending my concious into some form a disability, where my actions can not be completed, or even comprehended, cause there is simply no room to think about it. what is there left for me to do. i can't forget because then it will never be done, i can't force an action without a reaction, and i can't mentally keep going around in circles.... Is there a solution?

Just to vent

would love to clarify the confusion in a relationship. Trust isn't a given, it is to be earned. Trust is a process and when you have trusted, and you have been destroyed, it takes a long time to repair the damage this has caused, months, years even. Myself knowing how much i was injured mentally before. I have years of repair ahead of me, and when you were notified of this, asked to do certain things to ease my nerves, and except certain things about me, that i have learnt to do out of protection of myself. And you ignore my request, you do the very things i have asked you not to do, and then turn it on me that i am at fault i should not check up on you, Yes i admit i shouldn't but i also said to you that i would, but on my side of this you should not be afraid if i do, there should be nothing that is kept from me.. I entered this relationship on an arangement of complete honesty and openess, no secrets, no lies, no passwords..

A page to return to..

It's hard to know the person you are. With out knowing who you are. I know everything about myself, with out truley being able to be honest with who i am all the time. I think everyone believes they know who they are. I believe they justify who they are to themselves to get through life, so we don't wallow in our own self pity. I do not believe in a truely selfless being, even the most selfless are living there lives this way for a selfish reason. To feel better maybe about the contributions they make to the world. I myself consider myself to be kind and considerate to others, but it has always had limits, and it is always driven on my belief of what is right, just because i should not 'cause i want to. and it is because of this thought that it is no longer thoughtful or selfless, i have done this action whatever it may be, to appear caring, considerate, thoughtful but if i was this way it wouldn't be a thought it would just be the action.. I am completely false.
In knowing this does this somehow take me beyond other in my self awarness, have i migrated to the next level of being? I ponder these things because knowing what i do about myself gives me an insight into others, why they do what they do believe what they beleive. i am an atheist, i find some people hide behind there beliefs in order to guide them somehow. so they can understand themselves better, but in doing this they're drifting further away from who they are. because they are undersdtanding themsleves through another person eyes. It is in truth, a way of hiding, masking themselves, convincing themselves of a belief so no one will be able to find the real person that exist, they have no longer based themsleves in this reality. but i reality someone has designed for them..